University Challenged

Going to college or university can be a daunting experience. There are so many new experiences to try, so many new responsibilities to handle. What you really need is a best friend who'll show you the ropes, hold your hand and make sure you get to your lectures on time... This book, unfortunately, isn't that friend. This book, even more unfortunately, is more akin to the kind of mate who doesn't get up till half past two, nicks your food from the fridge and when you're both well wasted at some awful party you've gate crashed convinces you that Malibu, cider and Worcestershire sauce is a real cocktail.
Frankly, if you have even the slightest ambition to emerge from your time in 'higher' education with any kind of qualification whatsoever, it's best that you stop reading now. If however, you insist on perusing the wisdom contained within this thoroughly disreputable tome, then please note that the author accepts no responsibility for the fact that you'll get a crap qualification, your parents will disown you and your subsequent career will go nowhere.
But all that lies way off in the future. So let's talk about Freshers Week...'