Savaged by Systemd: an Erotic Unix Encounter

Not your normal Friday night in the computer room. Not a normal night anywhere. Terry is the archetypal old-school Unix admin, nurturing servers with care and precision while avoiding the latest trendy garbage. KDE and Gnome on a server? Nope, if you need a GUI use FVWM. The latest trend Terry refuses? One adopted almost everywhere? Systemd, the replacement init. So Systemd comes for Terry. Wearing skin-tight leather pants.
No, not a normal night in the computer room at all.