Damn the Torpedos, Full Speed Ahead or Get Thee to a Nunnery

What happens when a guy accused of stealing a type of onion defends himself by saying, "I was only taking a leek"? Or at the insect Olympics, where certain bugs hold the stopwatches, because "flies time"? That's when you're in the world of the "shaggy dog, " a type of story that ends on a funny, if horrible, pun that leaves the reader moaning and groaning...but laughing and eager to be abused by the next distortion of the English language.
We have 101 such crimes against the mother tongue in this amusing collection.